DEEP THOUGHTS/FACTS OF LIFE


  1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

  2. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

  3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,"Quit while you're ahead?"

  4. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

  5. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

  6. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

  7. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals.

  8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

  9. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

  10. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

  11. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

  12. Clones are people two.

  13. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

  14. Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

  15. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

  16. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

  17. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

  18. Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

  19. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

  20. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

  21. So what's the speed of dark?

  22. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

  23. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

  24. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

  25. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

  26. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

  27. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

  28. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

  29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

  30. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

  31. What do people in China call their good plates?

  32. What do you call a male ladybug?

  33. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

  34. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  35. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

  36. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

  37. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

  38. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

  39. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

  40. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

FACTS OF LIFE

  1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

  2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  4. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

  5. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

  6. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

  7. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

  8. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

  9. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

  10. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

  11. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

  12. Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

  13. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

  14. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

  15. Poker rules supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.

  16. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

  17. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

  18. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

  19. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

  20. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

  21. You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  22. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

  23. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

  24. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

  25. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

  26. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

  27. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.

  28. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

  29. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

  30. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  31. Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
-Unattributed