Puppies: Advice From Your Elders
Leash - A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want to go when you're out for a walk.
Dog Bed - Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room.
Deafness - The mode you should assume when your owner wants you to come in and you want to stay out.
Bath - A process owners use to drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. Don't allow your owners to dry you with a towel, instead, run to their bed and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially appreciated just before bedtime.
Drool - What you do when your owner has food and you don't. This works best when you're standing as near to your owner as you possibly can.
Fence - A game of skill, the object of which is to get on the other side as quickly as possible.
Sofa - Sofas are to dogs what napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
Garbage Can - A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity. Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers, beef bones, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike.
Trick - Something to learn perfectly, then when your owner tries to demonstrate how clever you are to someone else, stare blankly back and pretend you have no idea what he's talking about.
Heel on Lead - Walk as slowly as you can, then spring forward with all your weight. If your handler falls, you score 25 points.
Recall - When your handler shouts at you, assume rock deafness. On no account sit in front of your handler, because he will only make you heel. 25 points if handler loses voice.
Retrieve the dumbbell - On no account fetch it back, because he will only throw it away again. If he wants the stupid piece of wood, let him fetch it himself. You will be helping to train him not to throw away things he really wants. You get 5 points every time the handler retrieves the dumbbell.
Sit - At all times, stay one inch away from the ground at the back end.
Conclusion - Do any exercise you choose perfectly. This will leave your handler thinking the earlier mistakes were his fault and your owner will take you to training class week after week.
-Unattributed
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