Southern English:

  • HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
  • HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
  • BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
  • JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
  • MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts.
  • FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
  • BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
  • TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
  • RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
  • TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
  • ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of 'we', used as a predicate adjective. Usage: "We love are South!"
  • RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
  • FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
  • DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
  • EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"
  • BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
  • JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
  • HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
  • SEED - verb, past tense. Usage: "Bubba seed are bard pick-up."
  • GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignernt."

Movin' to the South??

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the differences in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Things a True Southerner Knows:

  • The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
  • Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
  • What general direction cattywumpus is.
  • That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.
  • When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
  • The difference between Yankee's and damn Yankee's.
  • How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
  • Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.
  • Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!
  • A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
  • Real gravy don't come from the store.
  • The War of Northern Aggression was over state rights, not slavery.
  • When "by and by" is.
  • How to handle their "pot likker".
  • The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".
  • The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.
  • Never to go snipe hunting twice.
  • At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
  • Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
  • You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
  • You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
  • A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
  • Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
  • Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.
-Unattributed